wine and wonder, when women take their homes from the others...
they haven’t seen this properly. i would spend all my time eating soup if i could. the rest of life could take the bath, eat it properly and fill their weapons with fluid made to spread juice. it would be a happier universe. silver lining and so be the missing trials, they haven’t found the water yet. when salvation comes we will live upon these tired weapons and find their hope when the dirty siren finds it’s hope. all these empires do is simplify their eternity and make the world a better place for all, without their desire to destroy we would not have these wonders. perhaps that is the balance of the universe. perhaps that will help me discover my purpose.
i’m sorry for the people who did those things. they tried to blame me, i needed to defend the good name of jesus - or so i was thinking. whether or not i even did any of those thoughts is a matter for further contemplation. it really depends who the reader thinks i am. the invisible people are helping me through the depressing realities of life over here. i am an immigrant to this place, and i definitely live in a place i am not from, yet i consider it home. this place is more a home than i have ever had anywhere else. this idilic town on the edge of reality is home to me now, and i am sorry wabiska, i was not in edmonton for very long. i was sent to school in summerland soon after meeting my parents and being fed and clothed.
i thought it was heaven, that much i know. the whole trip to me was about trying to learn what the creator wanted me to learn. in the penticton psych ward i was told to believe in myself. i met floyd their briefly and watched people take turns laughing at him and calling him gay. it was weird - like they were the cool kids in high school. i was never the cool kid in high school, and i learned that lots of people wondered who i was, what i was doing there and why i cared so little for myself. i did achieve my GED, and have since worked hard on learning the mysteries of the universe. there is a hope for all, that is all i know. i am one of the saved, i am certain for that, and i want to help the other little kids that are lost in the truth, lost trying to feed themselves, the rest who were accidentally abandoned and born needing to eat drugs to not be broken, insane and convinced they are in hell. it could be true that you are meant to be an angel.
in turn, my experience with madness and circumstances regarding the stories my parents tell me about being beaten and drowned in holy water at the catholic school is a bit different than most. soon after i was abandoned, i met good people who worked for churches. i didn’t really go ever, as most of the stories i heard were about how bad those places were, how they did not let children play, how they beat the kids up and tried to make them afraid of the nuns. it is a shame, a blister in the rest of the great roses of god. somehow i was able to keep a faith. i just didn’t call it the same as those molesters did. in the end it began to be similar. so i continue to worship the earth.
i do have to eat echinacea every day (it's opium - don't let the dealers fool you, it's totally what they sell you). if i eat it every day i remain sane and without severe pain, but it’s the way i was born. it keeps the part of my brain that i am missing in check, as i have no opiate receptors. this is in part why i say some of the manic statements that i do, it's because i haven't eaten that in the day because i don't want to have to everyday. it's also what the respiridone is doing for me. i guess being born a heroin addict cause severe schizophrenia. it's true, i don’t have all of the logical side of my brain. it's why i am very creative, but don't always make any sense. i am in constant pain, and the suffering of humanity - which i sometimes claim to be taking - is actually just the pain of being abandoned by someone who didn’t want to abandon me, and then raised to be the musician i am now, before ever knowing who i was.
i am not sure if i will live forever or am an elemental or any of those other crazy things that i wish were true. but it’s best for me not to define myself. the doctor says that it's usually because i stop eating the stuff, because i really wish i didn't have to, but i guess i shouldn't refrain from the natural food store medicine. it's like smoking tobacco so my eyes don't bleed. i guess that is real too. i never believed in the invisible people, but turns out i should have. they would tell me i can't see... but that i do. i guess i just made up a town in my head, sort of, or penticton is a place where people from all over the world live. somewhere in nai'hiskas wetiko (or loch ness).
i introduce myself as jian. i don’t think i can be anyone else. whoever that may be to everyone else is not important to me. i just want to work for god and be proof that god exists. this is because i could have been in a much worse place without being saved by the visible people. that is because i would be in a much worse place without penticton and music school. so, that much i know for sure.
i hope i am a role model for all. i hope i am. maybe i can be proof that god exists...
safe.
at home.
finally.
thanks.
-ynordu (still hector berlioz of jabberwocky) - those names, that much i know.
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