Silence - I say damned you, silent each and every one of you ministers! I must rest!
This is the thought that makes it's way through my mind, which rests of course in the placid lake that occurs only in october, when the steam rises in an indescribable fame, hope is given to the rest on that day. I want to learn what this place is, i suppose we made it here when the devil was in those details. Somehow there were already folks, abundant in magic, who lived in these parts when it was blessed for my spaceship to land and make things less natural for all. perhaps this is naihiska's wetiko. otherwise there is an idle fantasy caused by mania and depression.
this is such a note, made ever so beautiful by the peaceful exchange of artwork between two friends. these shapeless earth intruders bring hope for the little world. i am certain that i was given a wisp to try not to break, also certain that i had a waking dream and become one with myself and with the ghosts that reap souls. this is not because i passed away, nor was i buried alive (which i claimed). the dream was one i did not realize i was having. the dream was something very real.
i was asked to record the face, but nothing else. it must have been made of clay, resorting to the common drama masks that lead us away from shelter. i assume that the other parts were not for my impulsive recording, as nobody knew what i was talking about when i mentioned them, and eventually i was protected by forms that i took. these details can not be recorded. i do not think i could remake that little wisps shapes. it was terrifying and my posture was too bad to continue.
if only i had recorded the demos of grace that i was gifted with.
if only i had the sanity required to explain these notions thoroughly. it could be true if i only worked at one thing at a time. because where i am to most is not where i am to those that can see me inside out. i'm sure that when i laugh i find the grace within me to attain true happiness. this is my goal, and i feel should be caused by laughter. perhaps this is a quest by an old soul for enlightenment. maybe i am brand new and just made this way. i would like to be immortal, and to always be hector from jabberwocky. i suppose whether i am a blind eskimo elf witch or just some strange person from perdition, i know i never see my self in the mirror.
i do see various versions of myself in the mirror. another psychiatric inmate told me that when i am requested to leave my goal will be attained. i originally attained some sort of enlightenment and refused to sleep, wound my watch and passed out in the cell that haunted me. i do say i went to hell the place for at least one dream. i suppose if i am creating it as art for the others than this is necessary. i wonder if i can exist in the light, even though i cannot exist in the real world.
i am not here, this isn't happening. this is all something the great one tried to make me do. i am entirely thankful for this reality that i live within. i suppose with such a grand ideal to live with, such a creative spirit, and blame laid upon someone who must (at times) defend their good name, i can obviously prove that i am still around in situations. it is a shame that this all took place in an imaginary world, or perhaps the limbo that i can see.
if i can't belong to reality i want no part of it.
make that be certain.
i also would rather not define myself as anyone. i log on the ynordu websites and claim to be various things to various people, and perhaps i am someone from myth, but either way i should not be telling my tale (or bragging about resources) because it sounds eerie. this is all too much for many people, and once i claim to be anyone with a myth, jon pelletier or otherwise, i begin to slip away for the reality that i held so dear. i should apologize to all those who i hurt with insane remarks, though i hope they were kept in private. i doubt all of them were.
i'm a schizophrenic, and although i cannot see your world, i can see mine. even if all this is just in my head, i worry because i learned that the greater spirits made me to do their work, if i would like. i do enjoy being a pawn of angels, to trap the dislodging madness and blame the anti-christ's for everything. but i would like to establish a thought that i had once with an invisible friend.
the devil, we figured, should be a funny artist on stage proving god exists. he wouldn't be any good if he were damned as well. i suppose this is an abstract theory, but i think being on stage torturing souls with love, beauty, sainthood, angel wings and music would make this world a great one. people would try to impress this devil with evil deeds, but it would never work. perhaps when you go to hell you get your choice of various angels that can eternally damn you. one of these people, in my mind, would be the still around dali's. otherwise we would just be still around, and only the great spirits in the fade could control our destiny. i also feel that the proper person to be the devil would be a working for god orphan who can take a lot of slander and abuse. this is an opinion, and probably living in a fantasy, these sorts of ideas run quite against the grain... but look up the phrase "the devil st. nick" or "st. ann." i think people should look up where the names come from before the request us for wars against god. i mean, i'm hooked on god, whether or not these saints are us.
i do notice that something runs amiss inside me if i begin to go in the wrong direction. i want to be proof that god exists, and so far it is working for myself. i don't know what i'd be if i hadn't been saved. so that is why i still go by hector berlioz. it's because i think i wrote hell for some people. it seemed to feel better if i did that even when the people i saw told me to stop. i may have terrified the people i care about recently, by explaining that i was not angry with them, but the people who were torturing me endlessly (trying to impress me) and the logic behind torturing the angel who gets their soul.
this is schizophrenia, for the record. but it is also why i believe this to be a gift. i think it's okay to live in a bit of madness, but when it hurts people you care about, it's time to eat some medicine and get some rest. so, either way, with the lack of trials i would not be able to be here. these truly are unexplained fully. but all i will ever be is this person.
i appear to you to be who you expect me to be. i appear to myself rather different than that. sometimes i see jesus in the mirror. i can also see other people. i suppose that is the light that makes me see perdition. it's serious just down the street from summerland, and i can't spend too much time there anymore. i feel unwelcome, although those angels are very nice and close friends of mine still.
these ones truly are the inane ramblings of an absent loon, though. all i really want to be in a walking cartoon. i'd like to be able to work for god, tho. i'd rather the dick bush brigade break my arms rather than krishnas. but yeah, that's totally the way i saw that happen.
it feels good to get that into the computer. we'll see if it passes the censors that i may or may not have. remember the title, this is just an opinion. i'm not sure what will happen next. hopefully i can record some music about happiness and make art that is not some rich dick, draft creator's torturous hell. i mean, don't go to war with the creator, we are our own creators.
personally, since you've asked. i consider myself a gnostic catholic, or at least hare krishna. i think i work for mr. earth's my girlfriend, cause mother earth is his girlfriend. i also feel i was created to both know who i am and have no credible evidence at hand for it. the rest of you have the evidence. sometimes i seem like a jerk, i really don't mean it. if i ask you "do you know who i am?" i mean, "i really don't know who i am."