i'm just going to start writing, maybe something about philosophy or narcissism, because i claimed that i was going to continue that last statement, although i am yet to. these dreams do not cease because i no longer live in the peril that i wanted to. i am certain there is an acceptance of faith within me, some sort of delirious manic impulse that brings me towering to the dim light of my mind, the sort of beetles that need me to tear up their tree. the sort of thought that makes me feel that i will never be destroyed. i do understand that these thoughts are breaking my mind, i mean, everyone dies, right. that is what i was told by everyone who tells me i am nothing.
and i am nothing, you know. known to exist and not exist at the same time, in appearance i have no clue who i am. i am not certain that i will ever see myself how the crooks in the soul want me to. delusional or not, i do feel those things that i think. everyone is an in existence person, but some reveal themselves to be up on the docket oddfellows every couple of years. create who you are. you will thank yourself for it.
at least i can swear that i live inside the computer. as far as any of you know that is all i have ever done. i believe that there are many parts of me that are unknown, to you, to me, to my family, to my lover, to my friends... but somewhere there is an answer. and i am certain that if i listen just right than i will know where i exist and who i am.
most of you will be like, look - if you don't know who you are then what the hell hope do the rest of us have? but that is the narcissism that i am talking about. if you know who you are, then please, i would like to know. i once asked someone if they knew who i was, and they thought i was being a jerk. i responded, no - i mean, i really don't know. they thought me some sort of mixture of a gnome and scenester, and definitely a uptight bitch with details nicer than there details that need to be. but let me tell you, if we were friends you would know just how brittle my silly little mind is. i tell myself in my perdition that i am nobody - as i see people who tell me that on a regular basis. i may be blind from the reality, but i do see. i know i see. that is the nonsense that nobody will ever know.
i mean, is perdition a group of people hanging out in various forms, made able to see each other but some great leader (i say krishna, but you can think as you must) so that we are not lonely, traveling through the mud towards some lesbian soldier who has been discharged and doubled to become a real peaceful warrior, a real shaolin? (i don't really know what that means)
this is a blog, certainly, and i do not know how many people read my writing or listen to my music. i also do not know what i sound like when you talk to me. i do realize somehow i have become someone special in this world. i have my friends and family to thank for that.
so really, when those bastards tell you that you are nothing - when they tell you what to think, don't listen to them. know who you are and exist. that is all any of us can do. nobody knows what you are here to do but you, and when people tell you they know what is best for you (in my experience) they either love you dearly and want to help and do not know what they are doing in there life. and maybe one day you'll be sitting in the psych ward like me, some wretch silent in the middle of the night crying while listening to someone talk you never knew was there. or listening to the people you wished were your family tell you they will always be there for you and those mean people are the pretend ones..
it sounds strange if you have some idea in your mind of who i am, but you never know who you will wake up one day a have been the whole time. all i know is that i exist and i like to write and make music. i have no idea what it sounds like to you. i do it because i want to. i am glad i am still able to.
thanks for everything, folks.