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9.11.16

Pillars of light


How is it that we are to become beacons of light in the world, and be able to literally save the world from it's destruction?  Do we allow the world to be destroyed, thinking it is too far gone so we might as well throw our bottles into the woods and hope they break?

How do we at least cause the world to be better, and free the people from this endless suffering that haunts all the people that choose to come to this place? How do we live the life's purpose of creating a place that people will be happy to exist in, thereby allowing us to live comfortably and peacefully within it? Do we withdraw from existence and move to a monastery in the woods or do we try and work within the system to heal this planet's broken heart? Does it come from meditation or are we pretending to be saints when we are just seeking pleasure and escape from the world, experiencing delusions from drug-addled minds? How do we use our gifts to make the world a better place, not for selfish gain, but for the greater good of all humanity?

These are the questions that keep me up at night. This is why I study the books I have studied. I care little about my personal salvation. I care about the holiness and salvation of the world as a whole. There was a time when I thought that the cure was to banish those who are destroying the planet to the planet of their making, in a sort of ironic and schizophrenic egomaniacal state, in which I had the power to judge them… These days have passed, and I feel today that I need to think long and hard about how to fix this place through theories that even the powerful people will think are good for the whole great work here. We need to find a way to play both sides, to convince the powerful people that it is in their benefit to create a world in which everyone is fed and has water to drink, a world in which peace and prosperity comes to as many people as it can and is divine in the way that the universe can be.

I have heard that there is a balance to everything. Everything has it's equal and opposite reaction. There is no one sided person (imagine a person who only had it's left side, it is absurd). I think that with the balance, the opposite of everything I am trying to do is someone is trying to prove that it is better to starve and torture and maim the poor, to get rid of them entirely. This is the world we live in. I'm sure it was good, because there was an artist who for years tried to create ugly works of art that were beautiful on the inside. That is the opposite of what I was doing, I think. How am I suppose to convince the powerful that it is in their best interest to create a world that is loving and kind to all it's people? How do I become a pillar of light?

There is purpose in all this. There are people who are unjustly trapped in prisons both of someone else's making and their own. These prisons are real and unreal. Some people find solace in leaving their heads through abject drug use and think that is the key to real happiness, something that we have both tried and found that it does not exactly do what we think it will. It is a selfish and shallow state of affairs within which we prove time and time again that there is no hope to this planet. I think that drugs have been placed here by the powerful, in order to keep us occupied, so that we don't seek spiritual salvation and municipal equality. People get lost in their own shitty lives and seek truth and purity through them. I love drugs as much as the next guy, but I am just writing what I feel needs to be stated. I don't think they create actions and effects that cause the world to be better for everyone. I think they create a temporary relief from the pains of the world, but I think with less psychoactive chemicals one can get more done that is very important… I think I write better sober than drunk, is all… You may feel otherwise, but think about the reality, does anything important actually happen while you are high? It never did for me, I just wasted my time. I wish I could take drugs and write, and I suppose I couldn't find myself in this position without being a druggy at one point, so everything happens for reasons beyond my control and I am creating a world for myself by now… But this rambling nonsense and not important. Maybe I will get high…

I am trying to believe in myself, here. I am trying to create a project that must belong to the others, eventually. I want to create a philosophy or a book that will free the people from their intense suffering. I want to use music, art and writing to free the world from suffering. This is my goal, and has been my goal for a long time, but I have decided to keep it in my consciousness, right up front, to free up the subconscious for things that need to be stewed over. Ok, I'm going to smoke a little weed now, maybe it is going to cause enlightenment. Who knows?

How am I to be a pillar of light?

They tell me that if you want to be something, you have to define exactly what it is you want to be. What do I mean by A Pillar of Light? It is a form of happiness. This is a peaceful being that has contentment in the simple knowing that I am a creature of light and love to be blessed in everything I do. They say this is true about all people, and that in the not knowing that truth we find all our folly. In the unknowing of it, we find that we act as if we are what we are conditioned to believe ourselves to be. This conditioning comes from a lifetime of trying to act a certain way and thinking that there is a proper way to act that is not our innate being. This is the peer pressure throughout our whole life. No matter what age I have been, I have felt pressure to be someone else, someone better than me. Whether it is to get a job in order to pay the bills, which is essentially doing someone else's bidding for a certain amount of time in return for a small pence. I should be looking for a job right now, but I have found my purpose, and a goal to work towards, so that is something…

I think one can be a pillar of light in an occupation for someone else. One can be happy or unhappy anywhere. You must enjoy your life, and that is a choice. There are things that you can change about yourself, and things that you can not change about yourself. There are choices that we can make in what we do. We can view the pentagram pointing towards heaven, or down to hell, but in the end it is just a shape. There is no place for the others here, but it could be that we all have the options to be anyone, because all men are created equal and it is our education and the experiences that we have which creates us. It is difficult to say for sure.

I can pretend to be someone who I am not, like some other great artist alive today, disassociating from my world and not allowing my imagination to become true because I think that I am already that great artist. Even in doing so, I do not escape from my form and I set myself up to be let down by reality. I then usually become depressed, which bothers my lover because she is happy to exist in the world where she knows me. I must then explain that she is in my other reality, and that things are all in both realities. Everything is the same in the other world I enter, except for some invisible people who are regularly apparent, yet only in my mind. The difference is that I am more successful in the invisible reality, and that it goes back to feeling depressed about not being able to provide all that I should.

This is the balance of the universe. This is proof that we must emulate God and be creative, in order to create a world that is all that it can be, not avoid reality. Focusing on myself creates this. It doesn't help if you do it too much, it just picks at the scabs. I educated myself for selfish reasons, in part, but it seems like I am now forced into a position in which I will be able to help the world on a large scale. I used to just write over and over things like, "What the hell is wrong with me?" It was as if I was looking for something to be severely wrong with me and when I couldn't see it, I created a world that I had to overcome great obstacles, instead of the obstacles that were placed in my way in the good of creation. That is something, isn't it?

How is it that we are to be pillars of light? I think it comes from creating a world that we are glad to be a part of. I think it comes from healing our little part of the creation. This is the only way that we can learn our reality. This is the only way that we can transcend things like the stigma of mental health and the oppression of the mental health system. I am literally just seeing God when I go there, and I know that is true about your mania as well. I am believing in my divine provenience, I think. I am believing that I am a true creation of the light here to save the world. I am seeing another reality within which I can save the world and free the sad and poor people of their suffering. I should not say that the mental health nurses and psychiatrists are oppressing us. They got into this trade because they are interested in that divine provenience. They are curious about the mind and therefore the divinity of humans. These people want to help us feel better, they are pillars of light in their own right. How is it that their trying to help us is causing us so much trouble? How does the balance of the world effect these things?

Stop all wars and free all political prisoners

Dear Max,

You were telling me that you want to save the world, so that we aren't taken to a place in the here and now that is terrifying and filled with explosions and gunshots. I don't want to live in a place of war, either. There is war everywhere and with it comes much hardship. We don't like thinking about war, because it is so painful, so we use other words to describe the horrors of it. People right now are living through serious conflicts.

There are people trying to kill the group of others right now. This I hear and see through the television. How is it that we are supposed to make a world of peace and love? Is it through prayer? Is it through righteous action? Is it through the writing of some book that will lead the world to salvation and peace? Is it to become the saints that we wish to be? Is it to live our lives in silence and grow old and more paranoid? There must be a sense of action in this place. There was a silence, but I am learning more and more every day to make me have a place to go in my heart. These are the others. Free all political prisoners. Don't overthrow any governments, just make them pillars of light.

How does one convince people to use the good works of their soul to make the world a better place? This is the key question that I am trying to learn how to answer. This is what all the years of economics and philosophy books are leading to. I think a part of it is creating a world that is enlightened because people are learning as much as possible about it. How are we to convince people to learn as much as possible about the world, thereby making the world a much better place in general? This is the kind of question that keeps me up at night.

What is the purpose of this? What is the purpose of anything? I suppose I think it is time for us to try to answer these questions. They have been haunting me my whole life. I am sure that the world will be better for it if I try to make a difference in the world through writing the thoughts and ideas of the mentally ill saviours of the world. I think that is the key to a real life, to living my life's purpose. I think that if I create a kind of work that I can be proud of, over the next number of months then I will be content to live in my skin once again. I think this creeping feeling is that there is a book in me. I just need to figure out how to write it. I think that we can help figure this stuff out and write something important to creating a world of peace and harmony. I think that in all our actions we need to be creating a space of harmony, as we discussed today.

What can we discover that is a kind of new philosophy? How can we bring light to the world so that the people of this world discover philosophies of kindness and such on their own? It is that the world is connected now, so there is no stopping the creation of these kinds of realities. We can make a world that gets along, somehow. There must be a way… That must be my purpose. That must be why I am listening to so many lofty audiobooks and stuff. That must be why I am seeking the truth. I think I need to inspire others to seek the creative light as well. I need to inspire others to seek knowledge and truth. I need to find a path in which I am creating something of substance. I think this letter will help.

This is what I need:
  1. A number of mentally ill people's opinion about how we are going to fix the world.
  2. A sense that I am doing something of value and adding to the public discourse so that I can continue to write in this file and in essence create something of value that adds to that great public discourse. This is in it's own a self creating and destroying necessity.
  3. Opinions of a number of experts who have studied and work in the fields of psychology, economics, history and religion. This will help to create an air of credibility to this work. The world will be much brighter if we ask professionals, accredited and actual.
  4. Time in which I can write the book.
  5. Your co-operation in the writing and planning of this work. This is something that I think were the world a slim margin of what it is, we would have no trouble creating. Luckily the world is not what it seems. Luckily the world is something important in itself.
  6. To decide whether it is a mad jab in the gut or towards the jaw of the system. How is this book going to seem? Is it going to be a series of letters between us that will create a sense of intellect and some pomp and circumstance to the whole thing? I think this is a good idea, because I don't want to create something that is not a serious and professional effort. I think that we have the minds to really create something good in this field. I think that even if it becomes like "The Screwtape Letters," that will be just fine. We may need to drink more absinthe than we do now to make this correctly. We may need to find a reality within sobriety. I do not know. Will it become just some insane ramblings that are interesting, but don't really head anywhere? Will it be just like the rest of my books?
  7. To read and find the answers to questions that we decide we would like to answer. The headier the better, I would say. I don't think that anything can get in our way right now, I think it is time to write these books. I think we can change the world. We are both quite well read, and I think we can do this. The world is ours for the taking.

I have been taking in too much information, and it has been stewing for a number of years now. The thing is, I am currently overflowing with words because I have no room in my mind left to put more undigested information in to it. I am going to write at and to you, with the hope that you will send me some information to research and discuss so that we can come to some kind of grand theory of how to save this planet. It is necessary, because between the destruction of the world through pollution to the destruction of humanity through guns this place is going to hell. Wisdom will help us uncover the reality of the world, and with that we will be able to change it for the betterment of all mankind. That is our goal, right? We are here to save this place… I think that is true for both of us, so I will continue to assume that is our innermost purpose, below any that we think we are trying to do. The world lies to us. The key is that the place is beautiful and that there is hope everywhere. We just need to uncover the rocks and build that monastery for the great people of the world to find truth. I think this is becoming the point of my life, like everything that I have been learning is heading towards this very interesting and fulfilling book and enlightenment that will come with it.

Should ending all wars be our goal even though we are now medicated? Should ending the medication without psychotherapy be our goal? What is the reason that we are learning so much about the world? Is it a selfish endeavour? Should it be a selfish endeavour? This is the place that we need to find, somewhere deep inside us, somewhere that the people seek and become one with the world. This is the world that desires to be found. This is why I am writing so furiously and trying to find a key to the system. Do we want to use the system that we already have set in motion to save the world? Do we have the capabilities to actually strike change in the world? This is the reason that the world needs to keep us in mind. This is the reason that we need to think that the world loves us. This is the purpose of life.




6.4.16

Why We Should Help Others


As a generally self-educated soul, wandering around the Okanagan Valley trying to think of ways to make the world better, I would like to suggest a few ideas to make the Canadian people richer, smarter and happier. That should be the goal of any government, and is (of course) the goal of the Rhinoceros Party. This group is made of people who would like politics to be fun, like golf or some better sport, and those who are just watching us for words like “revolution” and “economic.” Due to the troubles caused by leaders who are looking out for their own self-interest, I would like to make some arguments that will lead to a better world for all. It is a rare economic idea that does not put the initial agent writing it first, but these should be (if all goes according to plan) good ideas that will help the world in general, not just for the Rhinoceros party and it’s supporters.

The first thing we need to do is initiate en-mass an educational program that explains that we have the responsibility to care for others, especially those who are less fortunate than us. People have the idea that they must care for their kind, their family, but do not care and look down upon those who need the help the most. Those people that one sees who are angry or sad are being ruled by fear, meaning they are afraid of the world – a world that should be love-filled and kind to them, but has not been. The world is a large and balanced place, where some are nice and some are mean, but the actual process of politics makes it so that the people who are most self-centered and manipulative become the most powerful people in a democratic nation. The others, those who do not care what other people do, like most of the kind people who seek the idea “live and let live”, and those who are not “determined to be proven correct” enough to gain power never even try to gain power in the world. The cure for this is two-fold, first we must explain to the kind people that those who seek power are generally rotten, and then we must convince the kind people that we will eventually have the power for righteous reasons, because the people of our generation, those raised with infinite knowledge at our fingertips at all times will eventually attain power by the power of eventuality.

Politicians often do not say the philosophically “best” idea when they are trying to get elected. In many books about how to get elected, it is explained that one must say what the people want to hear. This is why the new Trudeau said that he was going to legalize marijuana, and then told us that, “They will not let me.” I found this quote somewhere in the news (which I have not looked up since first reading, because this is the Rhinoceros party group and not an academic paper). The quote says two things; either Justin Trudeau is not the most powerful person in Canada (even though we elected him in order to cause social change and a make our country better and he is our figurehead or leader), or he was just saying what he thought (knew) that my generation wanted to hear.

Either way, there is trouble here. This is a powerful thought, that we can just say what people want to hear, and is something that is proven by every Rhinoceros candidate in the nation. People want to hear us give a coffee and cigarettes stipend so that everyone can afford organic and fair-trade coffee and the good cigarettes, but in reality we will not be able to do that, and that does not matter. Not everyone cares what he or she drinks and smokes. The proof is really in the pudding, so don’t eat it, it is filled with cigarette butts.

The model of populist democracy says that everyone’s vote counts and that everyone has a say in every decision, but this theory is not the way it works in reality, where most of the citizens will have not voted for who is in power, simply because of the math behind the parliamentary system. This is why every decision should be put to a public vote, at a store in every town, or even online. This place could be the center of actual democracy. That way, even if you didn’t vote for the person who got into power, they will be able to poll their constituents and make decisions based on the greatest good for all. The trouble is we must rely of the benevolence of our leaders, a notion that has thus far been far from the reality.

The truth is, if a benevolent person wanted to be in a powerful position he would be eaten up in the shark tank of politics and those looking out for their own self-interest. Some politicians are trying to do well, I’ll admit, but in my realization of self I understand that good, although not entirely relative, is not necessarily the same for every person in a vast and very different world. I have a friend who nearly left Canada when Harper was voted in for a second term, and a cousin who nearly left Canada when he did not win his third term. Both are fine guys to hang out with. I understand that people have different views about what is needed, but I would like to believe that everyone wants the same things. The key to making a good politician is to find out the things that everyone actually wants.

What are the things that all people want? I think it is fair that we can say that all people want, and should have access to three things: food, water and shelter. There are people in this country that can easily give these three things to everyone who does not have them in this country, but they refuse. I understand the argument that people do not always spend the money that we do give them on these things, meaning that some people spend their welfare cheques on booze and drugs and not food, water and shelter. These people are running from their lives, trying to blind themselves from their shitty existence.

It is proven that if you make these people’s lives better, through homes, food and meaningful work, than they will usually quit using the drugs and booze to numb their pain. I have also heard the idea that these people are weak, and are unable to do the things that everyone in the country have to do, so if they refuse to make a difference in their own life, “then fuck ‘em.” I argue this point with the idea that these people are in the need of the most help, and if you can’t see that we are responsible for the well being of the most vulnerable members of our society as well as ourselves, then you are an asshole and I don’t really want to know you. With this “Fuck ‘em” mentality, when we are all in this together, we are actually fucking ourselves, which is not as pleasurable as loving them, and therefore loving ourselves.

I don’t really know what this is supposed to state, and I hope it causes people to think about the things that they are doing to make the world better or worse for all involved. I would like to believe that I am free to do the things I want with love, and thereby will be making the entire world better with that simple gesture, but there is a chance that is not the way that it is. I think the complexities of human relations on a macro scale are so large that they are not only impossible to graph, they would be impossible to get an idea of everyone’s facts in real time so that we could make actual change. This is a problem for people who are trying to make the policies. I think this is what I am trying to gain a vast array of knowledge to be able to solve. So far I want to believe that the cure for the world’s woes is simply to work out of a sense of love and togetherness, without trying to hurt people or separate them into social groups of race, class or any other form of non-hegemony, and definitely trying to help the people who we systematically destroyed and ghettoized in the most traditional sense of the words. The people who are hurting need the most help. They do not need to be sent away, or spat on. These are people, that – there, by the grace of God, goes you. Remember that.

17.3.16

A man named Spencer Bedlam was looking through the shelves and he found this note that he was worried he had written in a state of insanity. He did not recall any insanity around that time, just this overwhelming feeling of eternity, bliss and guidance. He was not sure what to do about it, so he gave it to me, Ann Moon. Because I do not have a website on Earth I, in turn, gave it to Jon Pelletier, and he put it on his blog. The short letter reads like this:

“The lady next door–
I love you. Please forgive me. Thank you. I’m sorry.
I love you. Please forgive me. Thank you. I’m sorry.
I’m sorry. I love you. Please forgive me. Thank you.
Thank you. I love you. Please forgive me. I’m sorry.
I’m sorry. Thank you. I love you. Please forgive me.
I love you. Thank you. Please forgive me. I’m sorry.
I’m sorry. Thank you. I love you. Please forgive me.

I’m sorry that I made this dream the way that I did, and I am not surprised that I was sent me here to save you. I was really mean to you, because I thought that it was my job to judge you, which was wrong, and that this lesson was what you deserved, which is up to you. I did not understand God’s will. I want you to be free, and I want you to know that I am the other person on this planet. This life is a dream. Do not forget that. You wanted to hurt me and it was my mistake that I wanted to hurt you, too. We did not agree at that point in eternity. Maybe we still don’t. I don’t want you to have to live all of these lives and be stuck here in this dream for that long. I just want you to love God like I do, and realize that he wants us to do whatever we want to do because we cannot help but do his will. With this gift you will realize that you do not need to be forgiven. I was scared of you. Now I realize we are one, brothers in Christ and each of us our own sons of God. This may bother you, but it shouldn’t. It is not fair that I lied to you about who I was, but you do not have to be afraid. You did not hurt me. You do not need any repentance. You are a perfect creation of God.

I pray for your salvation. Eventually it will come, when you decide that I should be free as well. You will notice that I am just trying to teach you the truth, with all these lives in this dream. I want to wake up now. I miss my family. Thank you, my friend, for making me really understand what those dear friends mean to me. I am happy here on Earth and of course I will be here the whole time, but you must admit it is not the real world. Can we please go back to God’s world? I am ready. Are you?”

Jon Pelletier’s note: I understand that I am going to get called a crazy liar trying to be some channel of a familiar for posting this letter, but please, if it doesn’t make sense to you then realize that me and you are still one in the universe and we must heal ourselves to heal the world. Please heal your world. As for Ann Moon, this is her dream. That is why it is called a Smorgasbord. She thought that was a funny word to make up. You made pretty well everything else, as my understanding of it is.

28.10.15

Low Down Dirty Shame


This is a letter to the future.
No, it can't be that important - it puts too much pressure on me. One day when I am really hungry I will be able to go to Joey's Only for the Tuesday night fish and chips. That and the billion dollar museum of the bible is in the air tonight. These billionaires are throwing money and not asking any questions. These people think that they are building a great mega-church and making a bountiful  trove of treasures for their flock, but they are breaking international law. The news changed now, so I don't know what they are going to talk about next.

People's choice is the righteous indignation. Tomorrow will be a good day of writing and watching the news. These notes are not worth the salt they are watching. These notes are of soft dreams and major thoughts. I have the righteous blame to light and they have notions of crying might and I have threats made for modern light and they have treats made to know of the fight and I am a soda and you are a bear and you are a running joke within my matter.

Just is.
Just be and is be. Then it will be okay.
Hope.
The reference to turmoil.

I hope Max doesn't ask for those poems, because I haven't written them.


Thanks to the eons of massive weight that takes the hopes towards the morning sensors
These are the rakes of light
These are the weapons that watch me
I turn towards them with hope, there is little faith for the mortals
These are the wretches of war

Perhaps that could be a poem.

Well he doesn't want to, so I will drink a glass of wine by myself. It is kind of interesting how quickly that feeling changed. It is Friday night, there is fun to be had tonight. Where is my fate? We are marked by the masked men, who watch in the night. We have happiness, but the fear is taking the tasks of war and smashing them against various fences. These people want their intrigue, but only because of the water that needed them to fear the reality. Thankfully the hope is belonging to the water marked pride. I have to belong to the hopeful sorts, and because of this I will happily grasp at straws.

The days have become short, but it is still warm out.

The cold careful shepherd  watches me. That warmth is a realistic one, tired for the real world. These people must belong to the better world, and I must have to belong with the better worlds that mark my mind on the walls that watch my heaven and the saving grace is the I leave like the world that watched me. I have to belong to it, because I have nothing less left to find and if even the desperate ones find me then I have the shapes that remain with the weapon and find the beat to write the whole book. That really was the key, wasn't it?

It is cold today.

Just that, I guess.
Someone told me they had never felt the lake so hot. I don't know if I'm worried, this could be some sort of cycle that is changing over the course of thousands of years, so I'm not concerned with the end times like that lady was. She was even concerned with zombies coming to eat our faces because they had taken bath salts. That is a strange thing. I wonder if those bath salts sooth people in a bath, or if they were just a crazy drug. I guess some things I will never know.

This is not an article, but it could be. This will never make me money, but do you know what will save me money, stopping smoking. Do it for the light, make it so that you have seen it. Make the steps that I still calm and betterment into you. Do good always. Play a stock market game. Enjoy yourself.

This could maybe work for the closed captioning thing. It would be good to try this for that, it could work. Maybe I will be a better person then I thought I could be. I am sad because I cannot belong to any group, it seems. I want to really enjoy life and make a permanent difference and make world peace, that could be nice. I belong with nothing in them, I want to change the world for the positive. I want to write something that is used for hindered people everywhere. What I need is money.

I will save over 250$ per month when I quit smoking. This will be worth it for my health as well. I should not buy any more tobacco for the sake of the yellow scales tongue that if left to my own devices I will definitely gain. It terrifies me, I am terrified with the real reactor who what where when why?

Now, days later, I don't know what to do. She is not a smoker. She is a real person with ideas and thoughts, but life is silly and I know now that really, in the real world, I am here and ready to belong and learn. There is no way to make sex more interesting than to restrict it. Make sure that the real world is looking when the reality and thoughts become reality and beliefs and therefore we move forwards, ready to belong to a great kind of person… Where do we stay here? What do I do? Am I high, or just hiding the real book that is below me?

How do you write a book out of this thing, so that there is a sensible form of disaster made to believe in writing and soviet letters. "The Society Letters" are grasped from this type of space. I must make something like "The Society Letters," the blasted work is the greatest book ever written. (In case the idea that a I am trying to be as good as the title of my book may be humorous and a good idea to create a theme of desperation would be to always be hoping that the book I am writing about the characters is as good as another book called the Society Letters, when in fact the Society Letters is the name of the book that was written by the narrator of my new book, but if it doesn't come to fruition this evening in this file then I should say that I never have seen a book with the title "The Society Letters," although it would be a good title for a book that I was trying to write a book like.) It really holds the room together.

Confusion towards the letters is the Society's cross, but what, you may ask is the Society? The court outside the the Society looks like the other ones on the block. The Society meets in a stuffy old room near the Capital Building of Festin, perhaps - but the only real thing about it is the ghosts of the men who walked it. It is no longer a place to most of them, Including Horus Gogeb and other people just as fancy. Remember the Dog is an end in itself, not just a bunch of human pleasures. This is the beginning to humane moral standards.

The haiku is like
A rainy notion for us
Because we are there

You will just be a person made from possible humans and then you will fall from the earth. Then you will fall from the sky. Then you will fall from the earth. Then you will fall from the sky.

What is this? This world we inhabit that is fearfully blessed to speak to the mortal kind of people. People need others to help them sometimes. It is good to do so, in case one day you are the other kind of person, then you can do that same thing. For some, it is the light of the day. Some others cannot get out of bed.


I don't know what is happening anymore, I feel like I have nothing to say. This is my radio show, this is the palace on the airwaves that I let the fine listeners feel like a rope of silk that dances for the breathes of air. That living kind of ghostly waif, the wanderer. I believe the day will come soon that will allow me to create the kind of art that I wish to, but for now. Here is a poem I wrote a long time ago while either being secretly drugged by a thief or under the spell of some sort of poltergeist.

22.3.15

I used to write.

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I used to write… All ampersands and broken speakers - loud, distributed light and someone who worries that they are not beautiful. I want to write more, again and even regularly. I suppose there are only us to help. I heard last night that Son House hadn’t played music in 20 years when he was finally recorded. I can use that sort of idea to create this into a masterpiece. That isn’t good writing, but this is:

This is the first tale I heard about Horus Gogeb. He was trying to be tough for a while, but lost his ability when he got older. He had scary and powerful friends, but could no longer use his size to intimidate people. He was mostly a gentleman and carried a pistol, even though he was one of the richest men around. He hardly ever was at home. He stayed in the halls of great power. That is where he, finally educated, decided to stay in the learning reality, but he was not allowed to stay in a reality with the people who he so thoroughly corrupted. I think he was one of the most despicable men around in this day. I admit I only know some of the story.

The second story I heard was creepier, and about his younger years. It was a tale of disembodiment and water, something he got away with and swore he would never do again, something that harkened the lives he lived before he was allowed to own everything and do anything he wanted during a grand technological advancement. The people were learning so much, but all this man used the computer for was killing people and now it is a sort of spring harvest of souls that will ban people from this video game.

This part of the story I learned from great thinkers of the modern era. It is an idea about what is going on, and let me tell you, nobody knows what is going on. If you think you know what you are talking about you are more likely to be wrong in your prediction than someone who makes a wild guess. The video game is life, something you paid 25000 croutons for.

The crouton is the universal currency from the other world before this one. 80 croutons is a snack. 800 croutons would buy you a bike. 23000 croutons would buy you a used car, 25000 croutons is how much you paid for this video game. It is an entire life in a world that was created for you to gain experience points and have adventures. It used to be man vs. nature but people built stuff and then history happened, it was all just a study in human behavior.

Anyway, Horus Gogeb is banned from ever entering the game again because, while using cheat codes he has been mean to too many people. His constant wars and use of technology just granted to this false world that lead the real world to the creation of this false world, therefore leading to the creation of more false worlds. Because of this, and the very nature of this game that we are by chance playing, we are bound by the same moral responsibilities that we have in the real world, here in the video game, or false world. As such, I heard Horus Gogeb is going to alternate false worlds created purely out of know how to work the invisible computer and avatar that is a body. There are many artists who are creating false worlds for people to go to.

9.10.14

Halloween Craft Club Writing.


This is the script I have written, something manipulative like a number of musical guests haunting a soundstage, righteous in their wars, but still taking my stubborn ailments to mean that I am something better then them.

It could be that I am writing this to you from my home, but I believe it to be the haunted cellar of the tavern you frequent regularly. It has been there for 700 years and has not changed its name. This is the place that has been a resting spot for the mighty kings and conquered people. It has survived many uprisings and has never been torn down. The building believes whatever the kind people who created it made it think. They are parts of their own stories. They belong to these thoughts, and I call them to oppose my haunting.

The cellar is made of an office, which I have made my bedroom, and a wine room, that may have once been a dungeon but has many times been made over since. It is in that room that I have my desk set up, this typewriter cracking away and the essence of delusion brings my heart towards the weapon. These words are the weapons, and only with them can we belong to the fauns. These words are the woes of the weapons, those that hurt and maim, along with turbulent houses. These are the houses razed by war. These are the places that haunt me.

I am no longer kind. I am mean and I have a reason to be.
I cannot recall that reason, but I know it to be real.  I am going to do things right and that means nobody is going to stand in my way. This is now my war. The right thing to do and the “what I came to” keeps me trapped in this cellar. I know that, but I still want the regretful revenge. These thoughts make me make use of my time, as I still sit and type like a refugee, pausing slowly when people come downstairs to see if anyone is down here. There is a passerby now, but I don’t think he is in your dimension. It seems he is in the next one over from mine.



6.6.14

Meeting Crispin


We have the received truth, the design if fleeing from thinking about it. The design when we watch the television brings the evolution of mind. These are the hopeful thoughts that want me to bring hearts towards topics. The way is not marked by better than insults and tomes that watch failure brightly colored as watchmen. I have the hopeful nature that thinks these are the better-borrowed watchers. They are there because the weapons are looking squarely at their own bleak mortality.

Whether we face the reality that is bleak, or whether we walk away and dance among the thoughtless stars, those are our decisions, I thought. That is when the man named Crispin entered. He was very old, but seeming boisterous while looking for me. I could not understand what I might have that he wanted, me - of all people. There were champions of thought that were driving me mad, I was haunted by the history of money, hoping that it would give me some insight in the savings account that I have been neglecting throughout my twenties. I was quite excited to be told that this man had a story for me. When I sat down, it was quickly apparent that there was more than one story that Crispin could tell me.

The people say that we can spiritualize physics, but anyone can say what they want. Across religious traditions we are approached by a number of mystics, so one cannot take lightly any philosophy that is found within the walls of muses and mystery. Within any civilization, people of all genders, races and abilities explain the metaphysics and emotional intuition in different ways. There is hope that all the varied paths could be one, but that sort of thinking is as dangerous as thinking that only yours is the one. All people can come together as significant thinkers, if given the skills and inspiration.

This man has a story to tell, something that he feels needs to be said, that is why he called me. It could be one of redemption through an inspired form of therapy that he is creating with his friends, or tales of daring escapes from behind enemy lines. This book could be tales of travel to exotic lands. It could dazzle and inspire the reader. There could be a world within his eyes, as the desire of learning and living had not yet been extinguished. There was a cooperation that was needed, some sort of thought that would tie the whole place together, and a kind of necessary evil – one of those limitless fogs that make every draft a first draft.

Perhaps I should discuss my own philosophy, and then learn Crispin’s, so that I can learn with the reader, who silently wonders exactly what is going on here. First of all I believe in the absurd. That is to say I believe it works wonders when one is feeling like they have learned too much. I also feel that people should love learning and learn every day. There has got to be a way, found within the hope of written word, the diaries and scribbling’s of mad person, lit because they were hopeful and found online at the website needed to find these words.

I also feel that there is wisdom in everyone, that everyone knows something that you don’t and will share that information with you if you get to know him or her. That is why I am excited to discuss this philosophy with this old man. He wants to write a book that walks us through the house of self… There is hope within it, and the written word may bring my perception towards a little bit of a better thought. I will at least learn.

Good, right? Because we are all looking to learn as much as we can, high on the elves that bring hope towards us. I could watch because they told me and I must believe in the silence, as it hopes and breathes like the day. I must take hold of someone great and live within him or her. This will make me wise. This will make me discuss great things. This is where I am divided, for this is the reality within these walls of my mind. There is a better world ahead, when I know more or think less. I can see it.

I once took a chest full of armor from inside my psyche and gave them to friends I thought needed them. I thought it was the right thing to do, but I thought that I could do my mission from god without armor, you know, like in video games when you want to prove you are the best. There is hopefully a thought within the daily silence and the overwhelming feeling that I think about myself too much. I know now that that was just my first manic break. Really it was just the first time I felt I had a mission from God. They come back from time to time as someone tortures me because he doesn’t want to go to hell and they think they can defeat me by force and emotional manipulation, or at least that’s what it feels like.

So I am not, as they say, exactly the specimen needed to study the entire human species. I am somehow unique, probably like everyone, perhaps because there was the silent night and the reasonable thoughts and the watering can and the muses.


6.12.13

pressing

What is step one?
- Making an excuse not to do it.

This is the lie that drags him down, little by little, and makes him cry. There is a thought for those who worry about this. The excuse never is that he simply cannot work through the trouble himself, to make his horizons broader or never discover anything new. This is a state of mind. Tomorrow he will be better, because he won’t be taking the pills. The pills are what make him stupid - this is the case he repeats to himself every day.

The repetition of painful memories makes us cold. The precipitation in our minds haunts us every day, and we hope that without these pills we will be able to walk away from the homes we have created for ourselves. These pills are the pages we want to write, before we pause in a daze and hope that karate memories and dragon skills bring hopeful work to chaotic dreams.

We want the world to come together without any trouble. This is the problem that haunts me. I want to think, read and write. I want to learn and breathe intellectual fire. I want to save the world and add great things to the public discourse. These days breathe fire on me, and the waves of this ocean of light panic my senses. I have nowhere to be or to go most of the time. The only hope I have is that the righteous water brings my heart towards the light, and away from the lazy flame of desire - that sinful breathe of peace that comes with sitting alone in a room and staring straight ahead, breathe cold in the air and watching nothing in particular.

There is a comatose line that watches him. These sovereign thoughts make his mind spin.  There is very little that bothers the kind of weapons that watch towards the heavy line, there air is that of the fiery depth of the soul, there are megalomaniacs here and there, but some of them really want to fix things. The doctors get no respect, and they just want to help us get jobs. They want us to drive prices down, to contribute to society. They want us the pay taxes. There is no trouble nor triumph in that. It is simply their path.

The doctors are spat on. They do not get treated the way they should. They are somewhat like cops, they simply represent an authority figure. They are called down every day by creative people so they must be strong. I doubt the doctors were going to hurt themselves, but they fell ill with the warpaint of tomorrow, the crime of the direct mail impulse, those drones they are sending to sell me for nonsense without me leaving my house.

What is the government doing with drones? The same thing they are doing with psychiatry. The megalomaniacs have more ample welfare states, which is an offering to their people to keep them in their graces. These are the weapons that breathe the light within the thoughts that are taking the little places with the re-reading of the valuable thoughts, because I must find the liberal way to bring the father of morality towards us. There it stands, the gibbered nonsense that wants to be a phrase, but will never stand alone without another thought of gibberish. Everything is a story. Everything is a lie.

This is the balance, the speakeasy for FOX News. The people that read the National Post need to learn the places of those that do not, and the other way around. We must breathe more, and fight to become the high letters of the door. We must breathe less, and make sure that the man who calls me to sit and stare into space is not allowed to drag me into the muck. That feels like a painful order, because for some reason my wanting to keep writing hurts his feelings. If I don’t want to be next to him it makes him very sad, and very mean. I believe the former, and I experience the latter. There is shelter in a world without him.

That I am looking for the extremely strange makes me susceptible to it. It opens the airwaves to the alternate reality, and it brings my heart down to a social atmosphere, requiems and openness begone, damned to the haunted reality and feared by anti-social weapons. I do not want to belong to this club with the damned man who sits and drags me into the muck. I fear that I drag him to the muck as well, and he just sits there cursing and doesn’t care.

What did we find out? Where is the weapon without cause? There are only a few chaotic writers, they do not fall out of shadow, nor make sense of the world without finding the water. The crescent takes shine to the weapons for sensors, and I can believe in the findings or better thoughts that take sensory kinds of lights in the attic and they watch from the window to be certain he’s taken and he watches from the light of the cell phone without malice, because he must know that you care about him.

As one can try to learn, and the cold whips the outside, I can be fearful of watering cans and bring weapons to the hundreds of protesters who are willing to shoot. These are the brought days and they hear her wait for the candle and the door, and they shot her in the back, because she has brought the hope without the better world - and the way is the shining, hideous face and he breathes fire, and he pulls at her so that she cannot watch from the hall.

There is a better world than that, somewhere within the weapons. These shadowed thoughts that watch without hiding and hurt us, they are the black eyed children or the fighting kinds of fearful thoughts that hurt my hands and feet and make it hard for me to work. I am well rested, and I am fearful of the water, because I am the watchful eye they see without the water, well, I can believe that I must be the healthy one and I am the shadow made of fighting kinds of breathe and the healthy kinds of writing.

This T-Shirt travelled 20 000 miles. The global innovation brings the world together. This doesn’t matter to me or the doctor. The cotton that was sent to the other side of the planet to be woven into thread makes my country less strong. The containers are what made that possible, and it is going to take off pennies per shirt. These are the brides of God, those beautiful people who made our clothing. They are the reason people like us are on the pills. We would have done something about it, but they fucked us because we were already willing to take druids. There it was, shaped like that.

There is a shape to this, because the leaders watch without the lights on, there in their sheds and they tamp the weapon down with the lights on while coming there. I can believe that all the shadows watched them - with the shiny kind of thoughts that salvage there. Ha! I can be white with fear and the light comes and saves me because I must because I must because I must because I must. There is sometimes reason for the fear. There are shadows on the wall, but the mind hurts because he hurt the light on the ratified line - he smashed the head into a mantel as a child. This head injury was his first real memory.

These are the wasted years, me, mindlessly repeating the radio, typing into the machine. The pages will be saved, shared on the internet, but sheltered from the world and with water and the careless thought I cram all I can in one of these sentences. I read once that this is the only way to be a real writer, one just has to write.

29.11.13

happiness

To learn more, or to at least find the offering - the desire to find the belief that holds my mind in it’s womb and keeps me from finding the truth. This is the problem with the idle youth. I never found the ulcer, nor did I find the wonderful kind of platform. These days I just happen upon clarity and know that I need to try to write clearly, hoping that someone will read it and help me through the troubled days with their mind, not talking to me, just pushing my mind with theirs. This silence harms me, and I can find hope somewhere within it.

Goodness always hurts me before I cry. I want to learn and be good, I want to do the right things, but I have fallen short on a number of occasions. My mind is made to be a sort of silent number, crestfallen and fouled by the scent of the happiness of others. I suppose we are happy. I suppose we are better now than we ever were before, and that is allowing me to find hope within a dull flame caused by music and ambient purchases.

This is the practice writing that article was telling me about. This is the shapeshifter and the pen. This is the pace at which I desire the letter. That is so worded, because it is special and causes harm half the time. There is the space we can work in, but why do I wish to be confusing? I like the sound of words sometimes, not just the meaning. I want to work, I want to continue the growth the shepherd began so long ago. There should be a sight for that, to get cheaper cards for learning. Perhaps I am the problem. I am the boy with the problem, remember?
I forget now what that problem is.

The problem is the curse of pouring foraged music on to the case. The beginning is the censorship, the silverware is the curse. No, that cannot be subtle, the case was misplaced near the Impala driven by the rather charming young man who paid me money to sit and wait for him. There is the shelter, never mind the clearing in the line. These are the poured cements of literature, here in the clearing. These are the letters to God.

Perhaps I should read to God, because the shelter is my home. This is the happiness that I find within the walls of my home - made to be here now, no other place than home. Where are the classic examples of watering cans and shadow people. I cannot place the house anywhere better than that. I was here without the shadow coming from the better place. I can cry out about my past troubles, my mistakes and shames, but there is no point in that. I’d be better off exclaiming my rewards and triumphs.

These are the ramblings of an insane person, thusly: There is a shape I belong to, simple as that might be, and these shapes are not the shapes that I usually belong to. When asked, this misplacement of occupation is accompanied by literal jumps of begging mercy. All this because of a head injury at 3 and a heavy drug habit by 20. It makes me want to cry. There is no sense to keep running in circles, and I must be pretty egocentric to think that anyone cares.

18.11.13

silent motives part 2

When I die, will I go to a passive existence or will my soul be forever torn into a dramatic torture that halts all growth and harms my entire substance? I suppose I will probably exist as I always have, just as happy and harmonious as I want to be. I know that I want sobriety, I want peace that only that happiness of my own interests can defeat. I want this heart to quit lying to me. I want to know that there is only one way.

I cannot explain the suffering that I have caused in any fine point. I have nobody more temperate than you are to discover the simple peace that comes with truthful reflection. I am sure that I can live without meditation, but I cannot continue to exist within it without looking at it directly. Will the passivity that watches the peaceful heart and the hopeful sorts of sudden movements clear your mind? I hope so. It is it that haunts me.

I want to do something for you. I am a blue man, hurt from the disagreement. I was rude to a person that I didn’t know, I watched the letters that haunted me. I was very sad without the rude sort of bettering, so I am better now for it. But still the man will one day come get me, and I want to be able to make up for my rudeness, but I didn’t kill him. I didn’t exist with the silent sort of motives, I was just part of the gang. I sure hurt myself more that I hurt him. It still hurts me when I sit and think about the bad I have and have not done.

We are pacifists, but I am the lonely type of person who at times watched the just wars take the hope and although I am now alright and learning. I have no reason to be blessed and it is just because I didn’t speak up against the ruining of my future. I did not know that then. I sat there and did the stuff, I drank the kool-aid and got the better lighter (as I know it will light a brighter fire) and I can more or less go home to be happy for a little while, high or whatever. It wasn’t like that for everyone, that is the supposed curse. These are two people who these days need some sort of good luck sent towards them, and that is surprising because we never know how hard the future is going to be on some people.

We want to be happy. Such are the limits of the human mind. These are the people who took over New York, never looking back and only learning the numbers that really long to be heard over the radio, in every small town all across the world. The silent water is that the man watches from the road, making sure that I am dying of guilt that is not mine - because I am the worrying type and you are the reader. So what sort of prayer do you have for me? I do not have the disturbing sorts of speeches that watch for the name. I cannot confess to things that I know are resistance delusions. They are the mocking of a pained blind recess. There, there, shadow person, I am alone without the temporary peace.

Anyone who is the boss takes the fall for his employees, so there must be some assurance that lights the watches, and waters the bettering of the silent yells that haunt my minds hallow walls, marked by paintings etched is stone and blood. I cannot watch without some kind of ill and sheltered psychology. These are the shapes that remain here while I leave. I cannot be without the written word, so I suppose one happy day I will be free.

Perhaps this perception of stress is just the deletion of silence for painters and writers, and she watches for the shelter and needs earl grey tea. I have a real reason to be impatient. She wants to move forward, and there further futures lay, so as the world sets itself a sort of solace she knows that the written work is shelter and the sanity will peer through, without the shadow or the leader. I knew that sort of thought because I cannot believe the little ones. I watch the other sordid detail, soul on a wire, knowing that the only way we have smart failures is through deeply desperate mortals, shunned by society for watching the kinds of Nazi resisters that watch the little savage people for kindness and stubborn war rooms.

We are desperate and lucid, still under the breathe, waiting for the sinister leavings that took the silent watchman - we have to believe in the human spirit, and the “so be it” leanings of all these people only hinder that sort of laughing mind. I wanted to believe in some sort of good thing. I wanted to live with some drugs, but not with others. Like this, the young man died, and it was not my fault, there was a better reason for his shame. He had to fight back. The only hurt came from his guilt for things that he had not done, initially, but it was then learned that it was just hidden guilt about some distant thing the protagonist had done. This always caused deep silence. There is nothing he can do now to fix it.

If the world was fair, the nicest people would have all the coolest stuff, right? That is not the way it is. These worlds are far from something as fair as that, the nightly duel was withheld with lighters stopped that. These are the bright futures that I see, the kind of place that watches the head, that needs the silent better man to act. That sounds like silence, but in minds as grey with regrets as the clouds that haunt this week it is a beautiful sound. It may not make sense but it allows for escape. I can be alone, and the others will watch wrathfully from the wings.

Happiness is a salve sent from the letter to me, like a patient rookie walked towards the leader and needed me to watch the future without hesitation. We watch the future with silent suffering, separating the minds from the leaders. These people watch from the wind, ready for their passive altering, high above the white month of life magazine. I just want to be happy and avoid jail. That seems to be a simple human emotion, I want to keep away from that place.

These silent motives watch from the wings, ha ha! Watch me because I know the man moves as he cries out for the safety of a warm home and a happy cat. That is what we all want, without influencing real world violence. In your own way, you want your hot cup of tea on a cold winters morning. You want your warm home and a happy cat.

4.11.13

drugs part 3

I am very depressed about all the drugs I did in my youth.

I suppose I was looking for an answer to questions of morality and philosophy, trying to become a better person, a better artist, in my way. I wonder where I would be now without those learned mushroom experiences that marked my youth in lust. I want to be as clean as possible now, quitting smoking first, then cutting down on sugar and coffee. I want to be pure.

My innocence was lost long ago, cut down like the affairs of a strange ape in a room, strangling himself against ego and lost attempts at being a gifted man. I hurt people, and I had to leave. I was influenced to be a bad person when I was young, and I need to move forward like a leader. I need to be a better person then I was being, sitting around a coffee shop like limp-dick scum, hurting myself with liquor and drugs, trying to rock and roll. Who did I think I was? That is not how to make music anymore.

I’m sure I got lucky on several occasions. I’m sure I died and was reborn in fits of manic dread. I sure enjoyed myself while I was adventuring, and hopefully I moved a mountain at some point. I look back at my youth and wonder what I have accomplished. Did anything I wrote do something good, or are they just inane ramblings sitting alone in cyberspace waiting for a robot to come along and post a reply? This manic idea that I am doing something great, that comes from the drugs. It must, it hasn’t been the same since I quit partying.

I love not partying, but there are few people to play music with. People are too loud and weird for me as a sober person, so I enjoy staying in on a Friday night and watching the television. It has been idle and marked with my awkward silence and “distance” from my girlfriend, as I have been smoking too much pot. I tell you this now, because only my mother reads my blog. I must confess, I am smoking pot to quit smoking tobacco, and it is working rather well, except for the haze of sweet smoke around my rental apartment. This is making me paranoid. I don’t want to get kicked out. I suppose I could really try to make a difference tomorrow. I could try to put down smoking in general. This is hopeful, but a lofty task in the light of my addiction. It is also a step I am forced to take.

I want to be sober. I want to be one of the good people who were never turned on to anything even like drinking, but I know I am who I am, subjected to eternities of habit. I must move forward and be a sober person from this life on. I cannot drink, because almost every time I drank I found myself next to the toilet wishing I hadn’t drank. I have that in my cell memory. I have that in my eternal memory. That is part of who I am. I just needed to clarity to try to change. I guess that is why God is tearing me apart like this.

I must quit smoking, as well. I am down to two a day. All I want to do is find a new way to try and kill myself, but I am so afraid of the idea of that thought that I pray to stay alive and see more with my friends and family. I suppose that is why I want to quit smoking, because it is the first time since I first thought about it that I was attached to this body. This sobriety is the first time in a long time that I have wanted to keep ahold of this life. That seems so shallow now, but it is actually quite sad. I had no idea what I was missing.

The trouble is the great fear that it produces.
I was running from my troubles, trying to create a delusional world.
I hated every moment of it, except the sober manias.

19.10.13

Positive Thoughts for a Better World:


There has got to be a way. These are the wide lenses that act properly. These tattoos will not go away, even though you are proudly a different person than you were when you got them. We have got to believe in hopeful nature. We must save for retirement. These realities are the worsening relationship for their hiding beliefs. These beliefs weigh them down, and therefore are held in high esteem. We, as a society, belong to the betterment of every person. We are all responsible for the life of the lowliest peasant on the globe. If you can make a persons life better, you should. There is a better world than this.

Every person struggles, and we need some sort of luck to be successful. You need to available to your luck, you cannot just sit there waiting. Feeling lucky is just tuning in to the opportunity, not worried that others will gain if you don’t. There has got to be a way to make everyone have their own opportunities, in the fields they wish to be in. Sadly, it is more difficult than that to explain away your troubles.

I went to the bank today, curious about making some money slowly but steadily. I feel it would be good to use the money from quitting smoking on something important, like building a money base to stand on independently. What am I going to build my future on, but my own hard work. This will help me take action in the future, and I would like to have more money. I think if I buy a Canada Savings bond every month or two, then I will save some money. It will not be in cash form, and will be harder to spend. I want to build a portfolio 50 dollars at a time. I think that will be possible for me.

To make a financial decision like this, I must decide to take a risk. It is worthwhile, because I will just spend that $50 a month, and if I lose everything in the stock market, I will have already lived without the stocks and been fine. There is no reason to not take this risk, and use the money that I am saving on quitting smoking to invest in my future. It is an inspirational note, too. I will be saving my health and growing my wealth.

That seems positive. It is all a mass of truth and destruction, the sort of fast acting right that takes us all by surprise. I want to save money, so I’d like to place at least part of my money in some sort of account that I am unable to reach. It’s just waiting, it’s allowing myself to spend my cash on a savings bond or mutual fund, raising my capital a bit and keeping me in the game. It will allow me to save money for the future. It will allow me to grow my world.

I can be bound by one of two emotions, love or fear. I have feared the banks, the financial world and such, but now I have decided to approach them with love, allowing myself the room I need to grow. It’s allowing me to believe within the righteous tomes. It’s allowing me to believe within the righteous tomes. There is nothing else left, just the emotion of love and the attempt at making my life a little bit better. It is always risky, but it is also possible that I will be able to make some money. It is more than gambling, it is something to do with a little bit of money a month, money that I will be without either way. This way at least I’ll be building something.

There is reasonable thought within this world. We have nothing more than that. We want to be able to support a group of people, we want to be able to bring their quality of life higher. I want to bring myself and my girlfriend great happiness, and this may be a way to help do that. I want to spread happiness on people, complete strangers. I’d like to be able to fund people’s need to eat. If I had money I’d give food to lots of people. Of course, I spend money on all sorts of restaurants - something that will only go up if I wind up having more money. Actually, I don’t see that going up very much. I already go as much as is comfortable.

My life is very comfortable. I live in a home and eat good food every day. I smoke as much as I want (although that is less and less every day). I cannot complain about the state my existence is in, but as is the case with all things, I want just a little bit more. I want some sort of security, so that I know that I will have a certain amount of savings on hand. I want this hope.

This is a shame because I want to be a writer. I want pain and suffering to make art with. This is the struggle of the artist, wanting fame, fortune and to be tormented endlessly always hoping that the next one will make you proud. Perhaps that is the path of investors, too. It may be the path of desire. Why do you want to be recognized? Why do we want the next big thing.

What do I want?

I want to be secure in my home and be able to stay in one location for a long time, i.e. buy a home. I want to be free from the restraints of a boss or any responsibilities. I want to sit and write, create something powerful, think, learn and process the world. I suppose I want those to be my responsibilities. I want to be a successful intellectual and artist. I want to work for Good. I want to help everyone somehow. I want to stay in love and feel peaceful. I want to quit smoking, as my sooner to be a wish.

Max says you can’t serve both G-d and money. I think it is possible. I once heard a wise man say, “You can feed more people with four billion dollars than you can with fifty cents in a jar.” It is good to have righteous intentions, and work within the society that has been pre-supposed. The bank was there before me. They have all the money. I want some of the money, so that I can do good things for people. It is easier for me to work with them than to break them down and build up something new. This is why we should always learn about what we are doing and make decisions based on the actions of others while starting something new.

This is the precept of a person who has given up his childish dream of saving the world, if you look at it in one direction, but the idea that we can work within this world to help it as we can, in another direction. The fear brings it one direction, the light and good of love brings it in another. Now, the question is, what are you going to worship? I suppose it doesn’t matter, because anything created by a human is inherently evil to begin with. We are far to stupid to create anything truly good. Even the best attempts at worship of good shoot rays of evil when looked at in a broadened form.

This is how it is with banks. They hold your money. It’s the economy, or something. I’m looking in to it. I’m beginning to learn. This is definitely a way to step up. Just having a meeting with the man in the bank does not mean I have to give him my money, but it will give me an idea what this whole thing is and hopefully an introduction into the world of money-getting. I remain stuck on the idea that I should live inside the system that already exists. It is better than betting my future on the luck of my good health and some sort of personal reflection that leads to a long string of physical action. I’d really rather write and think.

The trouble is, I am not as driven by monetary gain as many people. I want to learn about the secrets of the universe and try to know what it is that we are doing here. Gaining insight in a broad variety of topics is important to me, so I could never put the process of money-getting in front of the desire for knowledge. I suppose it should be a side project, though. The concepts of the economy and financial systems gives a large pool of things to learn about. Just like anything, they are made up by humans, noted by humans and are fundamental to only humans. Like this, it is not any different than learning about anything else.

I want to learn about birds, ancient Egyptian glyphs, physics, psychology and economics. I want to bring some sort of insight to the world, and be able to hold my own in an academic light. I want to hold on to some sort of great light, and give hope to the reader that he can make the world a better place, too. These sections are not for the hope, they are symbols about my origins, my spirituality and the obsession with being something further away from where I am today than I could ever imagine right now. I would love to go to school.

Which brings me back to my private economy. If I begin to save money in a way that I can’t touch it then I could hold it like a functional person, saving the hundred bucks a month I am not spending on smoking for a future that looks a little brighter. This should be joined with the sort of light reading and thinking that makes a fortune for me. This should remain an ever growing portfolio. It will help us afford coffee in the future, I am sure. It will give us some sort of security in our fortunate life. This will be my savings, done by buying one share at a time, and standing pat. It will be better than having a bunch of cash that I will just spend on coffee and pizza. If my past has taught me anything its that I spend my money as I get it. This time I will just spend my money on Canada bonds or something like that. This is the time to learn.

Do this with love. Do not live in fear. I suppose that is the most important lesson I am learning. Someone told me that long ago. I haven’t really understood it since the initial seed, although I have tried to. I am learning more and more now, and I think I am beginning to understand. There is much to this world. There is lot’s we are able to discover. There is nothing wrong with trying to make a little niche for yourself. I had to learn that, and I suppose it is why I’ve hid my dreams inside my body for so long. It makes life worthwhile, and my quality of life will increase with the gracious beginning of adulthood. This is a good thing.

I was afraid to tell people that I wanted to be an artist or a writer. I figured the best way to be one was to actually do the work, instead of wishing that I was one while working some other job. I don’t know why I was haunted with this decision, but even as I grew, when I spoke to friends defending my way of life I was not scared to say that I did work, but was scared to give examples. It felt like if he knew me at all he would know that I worked hard and writing and making art. Of course, even when I said that I was writing or making art, he told me it was a worthless trade and I’d be better being on welfare, living in a trailer park, and selling pot.

That doesn’t make him an awful person, but something else does. I’m not sure what it is, perhaps the amount of fear he lives in. It makes me afraid of him. He does not put much effort in to anything, and when I told him that I wanted to save money he told me to go the easy way. He feels you cannot serve money and God, and would like to serve God, (that is what he told me many years ago, I cannot be sure he still remembers it was his goal.) I believe he tries to learn, and he wants to be a Christian. I’m not sure if it is my delusions or perceptiveness that make me think he is a waster. What can you do with these people hanging around except excuse yourself and make something meaningful or learn about something new.

I read once that you hang out with people like yourself. That makes me wonder what he does that is like what I do, and makes me realize he probably thinks of himself in the way I think of myself. I remember while I was younger I thought we were, “Angels on stage, poor.” It was that I was not allowed to ask for money in return for my work, as it was a sin. The doctor says I am allowed to ask for money in return for my work, and that seems like a path to follow. It will sure help me save money, giving me cash to buy bonds and stuff.

Everyone wants your money. I want to publish more work, but that will take money. I wish I could find someone who will pay for my next book. That would be a great opportunity, but there is a fear in me in asking for that $100. What I have to do is love the fact that people give me money. I must think more of my past successes. It will make me think highly of myself. To get an agent to critique your work costs $100, too. It may be money well spent, but it likely will be a waste of $100. That doesn’t seem fair, but I guess you have to be a street sweeper or something for a little bit. It seems common enough.

They say that workshops are important to keep the arts moving. Each of these cost a certain amount of money. I should really have access to at least a thousand dollars at any given time, in order to live with the thousand-aires. That will be the marketplace that I will stand at for a bit but I would like to grow, so that I can look around and hopefully do something with my life. I will have money to audit classes at the college. I will be able to sign up for workshops. It will help me. If I have a little bit more, I will not be happier, but the actions with this goal is something to do with my time now that I’m an adult.

I suppose money buys things that make a person happy. A person can be happy without money and sad with money, so there is no direct link. Chasing after more and more money every day is not a way to be happy. One of the leading regrets of dying people is that they spent too much time at work, and not enough with their friends and family. Another major regret is that they were not able to be the person they wanted to be. I feel that savings will raise the amount of cash I have on hand, so I will be able to buy entry into some of the workshops and things that will help me grow in the direction I would like to.

That seems counter-productive, and I suppose it is going to take a while before I have a pocket full of cash generally, but if I save and save then I am sure I will have more money. To be sure, I will not be able to rely on my girlfriend’s paycheque while I try to fill my portfolio, so I will have to spend my money on groceries and such as well, but I’m not going to buy any more video games or tobacco, so that is something. It is about buying the things that you need, not just buying things to prove that you can. I suppose that is something that takes a few years of experience in the marketplace to learn. Perhaps I am on a normal trajectory for a person of my generation. I am learning and beginning to save before I am 30, so I suppose that is something.

I feel like I am responsible enough to hold on to a bunch of money now that I am older than I was when I spent freely, sure that more money for drinks would come. The mentality that I would get more money for drinks every time worked, but it made me a drunken poor man. I got lucky, and before I got old, someone believed that I could be a sober good person, so I took the opportunity and now I regret my mindless drunken behaviour. I have had two drinks in two years, so I suppose I am now ready to make something of myself. I was a drunken drunk while I was in that world. I am glad I have gotten around to making something better with my life. I hope my friends decide to do that too. They just got worse, so far. I have little to relate to them with. My communication skills are rising every day, and I still cannot have a real conversation with one of my friends. I hope he pulls around and does something positive with his life. I want to be a good example. I want to be a role model.

If I try this first, and am a little bit more successful generally because of the holdings, then I can help others start from the bottom as well. Then we will save for our futures and make peace with our now. We will all be better off for me making positive changes to my life. It has been true so far. The breaks came from breaks in being a good person.

I am still repenting for my mistakes in the past, and they haunt my thoughts every day. This happens, I think of them more than my successes. I will need to make a conscious decision to think highly of myself. A little more self esteem isn’t a sin, like it seems. This is a broken, fear based delusion that I cannot be above other people, that I don’t deserve success. This makes me work for free and get paid much less than my time should be worth. Why am I afraid of being successful? That is the question I must answer. Perhaps I was more effected than I thought by the song, “More Money, More Problems.”

Risk is a good thing. When you roll a dice, you do not know if you will win, but it is a real possibility. There is a spot somewhere that lasts like the last note. The man in Vegas who always does things to the fullest, losing his party money in a bet and going home with his savings in tact, knowing that even though he was up a thousand dollars at his peak, the money stayed in Vegas and he enjoyed the trip’s food. That is the key, you have to enjoy the present moment, but remain aware that there is a future. It’s less cute than saving nuts for the winter, it’s simpler than that. It’s buying things that you can cash in later, allowing you to have some savings if you spend all your money. That’s what I need.

One day, I will make a difference in the world. A good thing to do for people to take me seriously is to act like a successful professional. The more money I have saved, the easier it will be to let go of some of it. I like the idea of putting money away now, right now I think that might be what this blog turns to, but most likely not. It could be something like, “The Mentally Ill Guide to Saving Money” and I could discuss the spiritual wisdom of making money to feed others. It seems like something people do, so perhaps I could get in on this whole game too.