liquor etc.

There is always something I have to do before I start writing. This time it is to make more coffee. I know that when the coffee is finally made it will make me twitchy and nervous – and even the act of drinking it will be a distraction that hinders my writing process. This is one of the excuses I use to stand in the way of my dreams, something that I try to reach past that doesn’t need to be there in the first place.

These notes are not for the wicked, and they bring harmony to those of better mind than me. It can be a wonderful world every day, and when I look outside I know that it is so. Life is not about how much you accomplish in any given day, but what you do with your time. My time is spent helping people do things that they could not do without me, to alleviate suffering for others so that my suffering is alleviated. It is just compassion.

I want to be a great person of history, and sometimes tell myself I am. I wonder if these notions were constant thoughts before my body was polluted with the poisons for the world that I was unable to avoid ingesting through my food and habits. I wonder if the potential greatness of my soul has been hindered through my past of drunken debauchery and sexual misconduct. I also suppose everyone goes through that period of their life.

Or are these feelings of nervousness just the guilt of wasting my time so thoroughly for eight years or more while searching for answers to the great questions and running from things that I now find beautiful though the use of mind numbing substances? Again, I am nearly sure this is something I had to learn for myself. It did not matter how many times people told me to avoid drinks and drugs, I had to learn these lessons for myself.

Before each rocket launch, I would make sure these reasons lack their just objections. I am much happier without these thoughts, these drinks and these drugs. I was lost, in such a strange way. I was looking for the light of sobriety within these stupors. They were the thoughts I lusted for and drank to get towards. I thought I was looking for the righteous path and it was right before me the whole time. I just needed a kick in the pants to find it.

I wonder why liquor is so easily available. It numbs and stupefies the population. It helps the people continue to be worker bees, moving through their tunnels. It also is good for those who want to be different, those who want to be fun loving and irresponsible, though entirely successful in their careers. It is good for writers, and I have written a number of grand things with the help of liquor, and although I could never commit to the alcoholic lifestyle, it can aid in the writing of novels as it allows free movement of the letters to the page. This is something I am still trying to capture as a sober person. This is something that will come easier with time, and is only an issue because I was trying to use substances to create art, writing and music. I was told all the greats did it this way.

Although without drugs and drink I must make myself write, I must be disciplined and follow through with all the dreams, I suppose I am able to write better and just as much, without being distracted. It may be the great light in the morning; I have an hour to leave for anywhere. Lift your head my friend, you lost the trail. It is not worth it, I suppose.