an opinion about spirits.

Silence - I say damned you, silent each and every one of you ministers! I must rest!

This is the thought that makes it's way through my mind, which rests of course in the placid lake that occurs only in october, when the steam rises in an indescribable fame, hope is given to the rest on that day. I want to learn what this place is, i suppose we made it here when the devil was in those details. Somehow there were already folks, abundant in magic, who lived in these parts when it was blessed for my spaceship to land and make things less natural for all. perhaps this is naihiska's wetiko. otherwise there is an idle fantasy caused by mania and depression.

this is such a note, made ever so beautiful by the peaceful exchange of artwork between two friends. these shapeless earth intruders bring hope for the little world. i am certain that i was given a wisp to try not to break, also certain that i had a waking dream and become one with myself and with the ghosts that reap souls. this is not because i passed away, nor was i buried alive (which i claimed). the dream was one i did not realize i was having. the dream was something very real.

i was asked to record the face, but nothing else. it must have been made of clay, resorting to the common drama masks that lead us away from shelter. i assume that the other parts were not for my impulsive recording, as nobody knew what i was talking about when i mentioned them, and eventually i was protected by forms that i took. these details can not be recorded. i do not think i could remake that little wisps shapes. it was terrifying and my posture was too bad to continue.

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if only i had recorded the demos of grace that i was gifted with.
if only i had the sanity required to explain these notions thoroughly. it could be true if i only worked at one thing at a time. because where i am to most is not where i am to those that can see me inside out. i'm sure that when i laugh i find the grace within me to attain true happiness. this is my goal, and i feel should be caused by laughter. perhaps this is a quest by an old soul for enlightenment. maybe i am brand new and just made this way. i would like to be immortal, and to always be hector from jabberwocky. i suppose whether i am a blind eskimo elf witch or just some strange person from perdition, i know i never see my self in the mirror.

i do see various versions of myself in the mirror. another psychiatric inmate told me that when i am requested to leave my goal will be attained. i originally attained some sort of enlightenment and refused to sleep, wound my watch and passed out in the cell that haunted me. i do say i went to hell the place for at least one dream. i suppose if i am creating it as art for the others than this is necessary. i wonder if i can exist in the light, even though i cannot exist in the real world.

i am not here, this isn't happening. this is all something the great one tried to make me do. i am entirely thankful for this reality that i live within. i suppose with such a grand ideal to live with, such a creative spirit, and blame laid upon someone who must (at times) defend their good name, i can obviously prove that i am still around in situations. it is a shame that this all took place in an imaginary world, or perhaps the limbo that i can see.

if i can't belong to reality i want no part of it.
make that be certain.

i also would rather not define myself as anyone. i log on the ynordu websites and claim to be various things to various people, and perhaps i am someone from myth, but either way i should not be telling my tale (or bragging about resources) because it sounds eerie. this is all too much for many people, and once i claim to be anyone with a myth, jon pelletier or otherwise, i begin to slip away for the reality that i held so dear. i should apologize to all those who i hurt with insane remarks, though i hope they were kept in private. i doubt all of them were.

i'm a schizophrenic, and although i cannot see your world, i can see mine. even if all this is just in my head, i worry because i learned that the greater spirits made me to do their work, if i would like. i do enjoy being a pawn of angels, to trap the dislodging madness and blame the anti-christ's for everything. but i would like to establish a thought that i had once with an invisible friend.

the devil, we figured, should be a funny artist on stage proving god exists. he wouldn't be any good if he were damned as well. i suppose this is an abstract theory, but i think being on stage torturing souls with love, beauty, sainthood, angel wings and music would make this world a great one. people would try to impress this devil with evil deeds, but it would never work. perhaps when you go to hell you get your choice of various angels that can eternally damn you. one of these people, in my mind, would be the still around dali's. otherwise we would just be still around, and only the great spirits in the fade could control our destiny. i also feel that the proper person to be the devil would be a working for god orphan who can take a lot of slander and abuse. this is an opinion, and probably living in a fantasy, these sorts of ideas run quite against the grain... but look up the phrase "the devil st. nick" or "st. ann." i think people should look up where the names come from before the request us for wars against god. i mean, i'm hooked on god, whether or not these saints are us.

i do notice that something runs amiss inside me if i begin to go in the wrong direction. i want to be proof that god exists, and so far it is working for myself. i don't know what i'd be if i hadn't been saved. so that is why i still go by hector berlioz. it's because i think i wrote hell for some people. it seemed to feel better if i did that even when the people i saw told me to stop. i may have terrified the people i care about recently, by explaining that i was not angry with them, but the people who were torturing me endlessly (trying to impress me) and the logic behind torturing the angel who gets their soul.

this is schizophrenia, for the record. but it is also why i believe this to be a gift. i think it's okay to live in a bit of madness, but when it hurts people you care about, it's time to eat some medicine and get some rest. so, either way, with the lack of trials i would not be able to be here. these truly are unexplained fully. but all i will ever be is this person.

i appear to you to be who you expect me to be. i appear to myself rather different than that. sometimes i see jesus in the mirror. i can also see other people. i suppose that is the light that makes me see perdition. it's serious just down the street from summerland, and i can't spend too much time there anymore. i feel unwelcome, although those angels are very nice and close friends of mine still.

these ones truly are the inane ramblings of an absent loon, though. all i really want to be in a walking cartoon. i'd like to be able to work for god, tho. i'd rather the dick bush brigade break my arms rather than krishnas. but yeah, that's totally the way i saw that happen.

it feels good to get that into the computer. we'll see if it passes the censors that i may or may not have. remember the title, this is just an opinion. i'm not sure what will happen next. hopefully i can record some music about happiness and make art that is not some rich dick, draft creator's torturous hell. i mean, don't go to war with the creator, we are our own creators.

personally, since you've asked. i consider myself a gnostic catholic, or at least hare krishna. i think i work for mr. earth's my girlfriend, cause mother earth is his girlfriend. i also feel i was created to both know who i am and have no credible evidence at hand for it. the rest of you have the evidence. sometimes i seem like a jerk, i really don't mean it. if i ask you "do you know who i am?" i mean, "i really don't know who i am."

thanks.

i never really know where i am, so i listen to the invisible people who swear there is a life that is just how i want it out there to them. i variously preformed already today, so just because i think i know what i am doing, i can never be sure. i totally have lots of delusions in my life, somehow i know that there is a passover somewhere, though i'm not really anything around these parts of my mind. i honestly just follow an invisible person around, and you are a image of a memory in my head. i learned that i can control these memories very well, keep my own mind in check and just enjoy the relaxation. honestly, every time i take a break i do what i do anyways. plus i miss the stage.

the town i lived in was summerland, i went to a school there and came back the same still around odd fellow that left reality. sure, torture and trap us. i really don't mind, because you are nothing but a voice in my head.

sometimes i scream at people that nobody else can see and wind up broken on the floor crying and making no sense at all. i don't know where these memories come from, but i'm glad i don't see that evil thought controller much. you may be able to control my thoughts, but perhaps that is exactly what i need. yes, there it is, i need to control my thoughts and not blame anyone else for doing it. it makes me sad that i have put my friends and family through hurt at all. i think i need to take that respideral consta stuff, like the doctor said. i was very well while i was taking it. i have an idea that it is self explanatory to most of the folks who know what that junk is, and for the rest of you - i don't really want to tell.

trust me, i am tortured by myself. i should try control, but i'm afraid of it. maybe if i learn (like i have recently) that i can make those people that i see go away without having to argue with them, then i will be happy and live just as i should. it's like how i was mentioning i was in perdition psych ward, it was to get away from one of those mean thoughts. i honestly have a hard time distinguishing dreams from reality. all i can do is wait to be still around one day.

trust me, i will be a still around person, though man. i think you guys might just be newly enlightened wolves. i'm going to stay a hare krishna, if that's okay with you. even if it's not, at least i really am putting on shows.

this is the part of the trip when i find out that i am who i want to be, and that my family still loves me - as all hector from jabberwocky will ever be is just a still around person in show business. you know, like i kept saying.

-i am a little cursed orphan junkie angel (loki about it tho) i just don't like to define myself as it seems graceful, but unbelieved. so i shouldn't tell people about my dreams... i'm pretty sure i've been believing in that stuff.

punk rock saved my life.

still around in situations like hector berlioz

you should maybe start to dig. instant karma was written in 1982. that is our inside joke about that year. it was one of the biggest hits of the era and you thought he was possible to get rid of. everyone knows about your sinful behavior, sir. so sit, start to dig - i work very hard, father. i work all the time. the trauma inflicted on me is nothing compared to when you broke mother earths arms trying to capture and trap me. you are holding me illegally, if any of the things i see are real.
i think it is better for me to avoid your confrontation. i definitely am a still around person in various situations, because i lived in the afterlife already. i may be dead right now, but it's okay because i was totally dead in the first place. once you get killed a lot on stage and keep sticking around, you will wind up in the same situation. i know perfectly well who i am and where i am. i also know where you think i am. this is why you don't know where i live, and also why you are picking on the wrong jewish couple. these men buried me alive, but thankfully there is a god and i don't deserve the torture you have been giving me. i am also aware that you think i am your son. this is silly, for reasons anyone who reads this blog will be aware of, although i'm not going to mention it.
look, i am an orphan, i know that. i've been around for a while and i get how things work. i can also claim to be various people of myth, but i don't go around telling people how bad ass i really am. i once asked "do you know who i am?" to someone i thought was someone else, and they thought i was being mean. i'm sorry for acting that way, i just don't really know.
i suppose that everyone stays in still around situations and i deserve some blessing after all those torturous things that you did to me. you were never my parents, nor john's parents - you are a damned fool that is trying rid the earth of your slaves. you've accomplished that. and i must say i am quite impressed with your show, that was really stupid to keep putting your karma on hold - it builds up. i am sure you are saying you have killed me. that is a false statement. i know what i am here to do, and i am afraid you have never worked a day in your life. if all you evil thought controllers pass away, i think the world will be a better place. i must confess - when you buried me alive it was in a town called perdition. that is the entrance to catholic hell. you should look up just exactly who hector from jabberwocky is. and you should have started trying and reading and working to gain blessings a long time - now with a technological advancement, i'm afraid my band opened for jesus. thank the lord that he has a plan for us. thank god i will soon stop being tormented by you. you were never family to us. we were orphans.

- you need love.
- hector berlioz of jabberwocky

who what where when why (seven)

i'm just going to start writing, maybe something about philosophy or narcissism, because i claimed that i was going to continue that last statement, although i am yet to. these dreams do not cease because i no longer live in the peril that i wanted to. i am certain there is an acceptance of faith within me, some sort of delirious manic impulse that brings me towering to the dim light of my mind, the sort of beetles that need me to tear up their tree. the sort of thought that makes me feel that i will never be destroyed. i do understand that these thoughts are breaking my mind, i mean, everyone dies, right. that is what i was told by everyone who tells me i am nothing.

and i am nothing, you know. known to exist and not exist at the same time, in appearance i have no clue who i am. i am not certain that i will ever see myself how the crooks in the soul want me to. delusional or not, i do feel those things that i think. everyone is an in existence person, but some reveal themselves to be up on the docket oddfellows every couple of years. create who you are. you will thank yourself for it.

at least i can swear that i live inside the computer. as far as any of you know that is all i have ever done. i believe that there are many parts of me that are unknown, to you, to me, to my family, to my lover, to my friends... but somewhere there is an answer. and i am certain that if i listen just right than i will know where i exist and who i am.

most of you will be like, look - if you don't know who you are then what the hell hope do the rest of us have? but that is the narcissism that i am talking about. if you know who you are, then please, i would like to know. i once asked someone if they knew who i was, and they thought i was being a jerk. i responded, no - i mean, i really don't know. they thought me some sort of mixture of a gnome and scenester, and definitely a uptight bitch with details nicer than there details that need to be. but let me tell you, if we were friends you would know just how brittle my silly little mind is. i tell myself in my perdition that i am nobody - as i see people who tell me that on a regular basis. i may be blind from the reality, but i do see. i know i see. that is the nonsense that nobody will ever know.

i mean, is perdition a group of people hanging out in various forms, made able to see each other but some great leader (i say krishna, but you can think as you must) so that we are not lonely, traveling through the mud towards some lesbian soldier who has been discharged and doubled to become a real peaceful warrior, a real shaolin? (i don't really know what that means)

this is a blog, certainly, and i do not know how many people read my writing or listen to my music. i also do not know what i sound like when you talk to me. i do realize somehow i have become someone special in this world. i have my friends and family to thank for that.

so really, when those bastards tell you that you are nothing - when they tell you what to think, don't listen to them. know who you are and exist. that is all any of us can do. nobody knows what you are here to do but you, and when people tell you they know what is best for you (in my experience) they either love you dearly and want to help and do not know what they are doing in there life. and maybe one day you'll be sitting in the psych ward like me, some wretch silent in the middle of the night crying while listening to someone talk you never knew was there. or listening to the people you wished were your family tell you they will always be there for you and those mean people are the pretend ones..

it sounds strange if you have some idea in your mind of who i am, but you never know who you will wake up one day a have been the whole time. all i know is that i exist and i like to write and make music. i have no idea what it sounds like to you. i do it because i want to. i am glad i am still able to.

thanks for everything, folks.